Destroyed Journal Entry

0 ABA, 12th month, day one.

Quan told me that even if I didn't want to talk to him about things, I should write them down somewhere. Said something about it being therapeutic. He said that when his father died when he was younger his mother wrote a letter to him, and then burned it. I don't know if it's an Alderaanian tradition, or just a family one. I can't find any paper, but I did find this busted up memory chip. It will have to do, I think it will burn in the memorial pyre they have planned. So, here goes:

Dear Egon,

You idiot. There was no reason for you to do what you did. Did you have a death wish? You always forget about your mortality. Maybe that's where I get it from.

But, you're gone now. My mother's gone, my father's gone, and now you're gone. Every adult that has ever meant anything to me in my entire life is dead. I'm not sure whether or not I'm sad because you died needlessly, sad because you're gone, or sad because I'm lonely.

I know we weren't as close as we once were. I took your announcement of your Force ability a bit personally. You were always the one I felt I could come to what I needed to vent about the force, Jedi, my father.

I remember right after Zane and Dory came to the academy. I thought I wasn't good enough for my father, and that he wanted to replace me. My mother was busy getting them settled in--they were only four, I was nine, she thought I could fend for myself for a bit while she mothered them. I ran to you crying about how they were replacing me with two new children, that they didn't love me anymore. You told me I was being silly and then showed me how to use a hydrospanner properly, and then we fixed up an old speeder bike. Well, you fixed it up and I handed you things and generally got in the way. You didn't mind.

We got closer after my mom died. We both know that my father turned cold and distant, and while you didn't shower me with affection, you were there for me. I was past the age where I needed someone to patch up scraped knees, but you would sit and listen to me talk about things while you worked on your repairs. You were the one who listened as I talked about how irritating Pel was, or how Dory called me ugly, or how Kerrick still didn't know I wasn't a kid anymore.

The main thing is, you were there for me. You always listened. You made me feel better about myself, about life, about what was out there for me. When I talked back to you, I don't think it bothered you. I think you were proud that I was thinking for myself, even if I was deeply and horribly wrong.

You made me the independent, impetuous, and irritating person I am today. And you're gone. I thought you would always be there. I still think you did a dumb thing and it got you killed. But I think that's what you wanted. Not necessarily there, or in that way... but you died serving a cause that you believed in. I still wish you hadn't gone and done that. I miss you.

All of my love,

Jolee